When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. You speak for me! Ding! Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. I think it was the good Captain herself who referred to an ex as an interactive 3D display of how badly I was feeling about myself at the time. But when you the helper decide on your own that (1) theres a problem and/or (2) you have to be the one to fix it, youre wading into dangerous waters. TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. Just wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I never tried to help my ex. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? It can be hard to wait through the change. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. My partner had to learn to adjust to a massive change in our relationship and in me. But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. . He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. Mood swings. All good things. It was hard on both of us. Validation. I hate those inspirational stories. I agree. +1 absolutely, always. Or bringing you vegetable soup when youre too depressed to cook? You are the boss of you. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. That creates tremendous pressure on you and just makes you feel shitty about yourself. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. Him: You havent been to the gym today! Like. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. It Does. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? Expressing frustration towards behaviors? You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. I have one word for you, LW. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? I dont need bullying at that point -my brain does that for me- I need sustenance and caring. "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. One way to equalize a relationship like this while still showing care for your partners mental health is to maybe suggest fun things to do TOGETHER. Former generations have never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe. Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! Right now it feels like youre breaking up because youre not good enough for him, but in a very short while, it will become evident that youre breaking up because hes not good enough for you. My boyfriend stopped hanging out with me and taking me on dates. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. but wanted to make sure you knew he wasnt judging/minding/caring about your choice of snack. I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. And a partner who wants to opt out of working through the bad times would worry me. Well. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. Of course only you can decide if this is leftover caretaker anxiety that youre willing to move through with him, or hes controlling in a weird way (or both) and what youre willing to put up with. It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. If you're not ready, he needs to chill or go find some other hole to fill. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. I have many fond memories of him. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. One notable occasion was when I got interested in a new industry and there was a 3 day workshop I wanted to attend. So if he has stopped watching everyone's stories, then he might be truly breaking free from social media. But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. And its also vanishingly unlikely that he can be moved out of the fixer mode. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. It really doesnt feel like he likes you. When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. Its possible. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. If you havent seen your friends in a while, call them/message them and schedule a hangout. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. I had to work this out with my young man. So many hugs to you. Bottom line is the conversation . Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. There are people out there who will see you for how bright and funny and reasonable and cool you are. Terrified. Both of the above. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. You know the fight that led to the end of our relationship? My thoughts are with you, LW! 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. He wants to spiral your self-esteem back down, and then play the good boyfriend who knows whats best for poor you card. Theres a difference. Absolutely! Drownings letter feels very familiar. And he gets a positive comment from me every time I am aware. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. It also ties into one of the Captains ideas of spending time with your partner who has depression in the spirit of liking and wanting to spend time with them as a person, not a project. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. 3 Turn-Ons & Major Turn-Offs, 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And 1 Way To Win Him Back). I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. 4. (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. When I am at home, I just need to chill out. In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. This right here: to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard is verbal abuse. My ironclad rule now is to keep distance from people who respond to this thing you do hurts me with anything but, Im so sorry, are you okay? Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? Your Jerkbrain is telling you that youre never going to find someone else who will put up with you. This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. Have trouble concentrating to work? That looks like progress to me.. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. I was in a controlling relationship (where I had recurrent depression) and it took being away from my partner for 3 months (he left the country to visit family) to feel the intense relief and lift of stress and realize that the main problem was actually him. Pick one.. In any case what was most helpful to me when I was trying to decide what to do about my then bf monitoring my exercise and how I acted and what I wore, was look at those things and all the other things we did together (which by that point was not much) and ask if this person seemed to like me. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. may I say something? I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. This is a guy who shuts down when hes mad. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. Let him know youre concerned and explain why. Feelings of shame and guilt. Wow, boyfriend is definitely being the jerk here. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. His schedule may simply become too full and leave no room for romance. You still get to decide whether you like him. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. He had money and I didnt. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. This boyfriend sounds a little like my mother, and finances have forced me to live with the rents for a bit, so I appreciate the tips and scripts Ive read here. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. Run. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. I felt like I had to fix it and if I just explained my feelings enough (cus he was a Nice Guy and would never do anything to hurt me and never cheated on me) he would stop unintentionally making me miserable and there was no Proper Reason to do it. Trouble sleeping. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. What can I say to make him want me again? Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. Value to him also includes your offering of feminine energy and responsiveness, your surrender to connection moment by moment (which helps deepen your connection and renew his deep attachment to you). You know everything he said is true. Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. A Redditor has been slammed online for trying to dictate to their sister's boyfriend how they should eat their dinner. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). For example, they might mad that you didnt fold the laundry when you said you would, or frustrated at coming home to find you in bed asleep with your clean, untouched gym clothes on the bed, when you said you were going to work out. Emotional detachment. When i try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn`t move and it`s like stuck. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. He ate it for lunch (everyday!) Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. How much cleaning does HE do? Dear LW, Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. She can call a plumber or locksmith. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. I genuinely loved him, and in his way, I think he loved me too. nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. It sounds to me as if you have some clarity on what would be helpful to you. When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. He stopped trying "He stopped trying, I couldn't even remember the last time we went on a real date. Powered by Mai Theme. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. Not because Ive been on the receiving endactually quite the opposite, as I was in a relationship with someone who was constantly miserable and did absolutely nothing to try and rectify it. Im also in a place where I need to learn to feel good about myself and yet am in a home environment where I hear waaaay more criticism, scrutiny, and you should/shouldnts instead of support. Beloved Human gets it now, and if I send a text saying, X happened, and Im flailing. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. 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